4AM Thoughts (Again)

I’ve been up since 4AM.

Shocker, I know.

There’s this tight pain in my chest. It feels like someone is sitting on it, just enough weight to remind me it’s there, but not enough to scream emergency.

My mind won’t stop racing. It’s like a carousel of thoughts I never bought a ticket for.

I’m angry.

I’m sad.

I’m disappointed… but not surprised.

The quote that keeps playing on repeat in my head is:

“I will never forget who gave me a hard time when I was already having hard time”

And that’s the truth.

I’ve gotten really good at having a broken family.

Or maybe it’s not broken. Maybe it’s just… not traditional.

Because I’ve learned that family isn’t about blood. It’s about who chooses you. Who shows up when shit hits the fan.

Not who shares your last name.

And to the ones who didn’t?

You give me the ick.

I wish life wasn’t like this.

I feel like I’ve been treading water for so long, and I’m just… tired.

I want to float. Just for a minute. Just to rest.

There’s a pit in my stomach.

Like something’s coming. Or something’s already here.

I can’t tell if I’m anxious or just used to bracing for the worst.

Because life isn’t fair.

It’s both beautiful and devastating.

It’s the kind of thing that hands you love so big it cracks you wide open—and then dares you to hold onto it while everything falls apart.

I know love.

Because I’ve known you.

And still, deep down, I’m always fighting back the words I’ve swallowed for 13 years.

Words I never said.

Words I screamed in my head.

Words I’m still holding like fire in my throat.

🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕